Friday, January 7, 2011

New Year, Old Blog, Same Me


When I moved my blog to a different site in October 2010, I didn't know that I would take a step back from my low carb journey.

What began as a week-long birthday celebration turned out to carb loading and cravings and bad feelings all in all. I realized a lot of things about myself. I realized that eating carbs makes me depressed and a witch with a B. My sleep cycle was erratic. I was practically in sugar comatose almost all the time. It depressed me even more that I had everything I needed to hop on the low carb wagon ANY TIME I wanted yet I chose evil sugary food every chance I got.

2010 In Review

It was in February 2010 when I started this blog. I was 155 lbs and felt like a big fat ugly slob. I didn't like myself. I didn't like the fact that my thighs rubbed together every time I took a step. I didn't like that I couldn't wear the cute outfits I owned. I didn't like that I felt so lazy all the time, needing naps in the middle of the day.

I've always known that my self-esteem is largely rooted in how I looked. Some might call me shallow and I would agree. I liked looking good. I took pride in my appearance, a lot of pride. It's not only because I wanted to be noticed but because it made me feel good to look good.

So that Saturday night in February, I decided unequivocally to do low carb. And it worked. The first two weeks I was on Atkins Induction,I lost 14 pounds! The loss wasn't visible but I could feel my clothes loosening up, giving me space to breathe. The weight loss slowed down but I didn't mind.

In July, my husband and I went on a trip to Singapore and even though I promised not to do hard core low carbing, I was still mindful of what I ate. When we got back from that trip, I was back on track.

My downfall was the October trip. I was out of control. I would order dessert with every meal, sugary cakes and cookies, ice cream, cheesecake, anything I wanted. When we got back from the week-long trip, I tried getting back on track but I couldn't. I would still make low carb meals but I would eat off plan during the Saturdays or when I go out with my family. I welcomed donuts and spaghetti, white rice and other sweets like they were long lost buddies of mine-- with arms wide open I embraced them. I embraced the evil.

Towards the end of 2010 I tried desperately to get back but the Holidays were coming and I just piled up excuses and more excuses on top of my already high in carbohydrates plate. I wanted to get a grip. I wanted to stop. I was in a downward spiral and instead of holding on, I find myself letting go. I was back where I started, depressed, feeling bad about myself and, worst of all, I had gained back 19 of the 25 lbs I've lost.

Moving Along in 2011

Today is Day Four of my Low Carb journey. I didn't go back to Induction levels in fear of failing disastrously. But I plan to lower my carb counts and avoid the stuff that make me crave evil sugar.

It is disappointing to be at almost the same weight as I was this time last year but I did this all with open eyes and didn't stop myself. It is all my fault. And only I can fix it.

I'm still thinking of my goals for this year but for sure it will include exercise and activities. I really would like to spend less time on the computer and quitting Facebook games will really help with that. I would like to try Zumba and walking at least 30 minutes a day. Once I have finalized my goals and action plan, I will post it here again.

Happy New Year, everyone and may this year be kinder to all of us!


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